I honestly can’t believe it’s the 4th of July. This year looks a lot different than any other year since Rick and I got married. In fact, it looks very different from all of the years I can remember growing up. Growing up our tradition was to go to Grandpa and Grandma Brown’s home in Provo early in the morning. They lived by the parade route so we would walk down to the seats that they had set out and we would watch the parade. Then we would go back to their house and have a BBQ. I absolutely loved the big slices of watermelon that we would get from Grandma. Then some would go home for a few hours and some of us would stay at grandpa and grandma’s. There was a park right by their house and we would walk down in the afternoon and do activities and just hang out at my grandparents. Then later in the evening we would go down to the park and watch the fireworks. Over the years things changed a little bit, like we would go to Stadium of Fire when that was added. The 4th of July was a holiday that I absolutely loved, because of our family traditions. My parents and grandparents taught us to be patriotic and to be so grateful for our freedom and the sacrifices that have been made for our freedoms. My grandpa fought in the war and he always shared with us to be grateful for our freedoms. Rick and I got married and his aunt would set up and cook breakfast on the parade route for all of us. It was lots of fun and for years we would go and sit with Rick’s family and then things shifted and our boys would go down and save a big space for my siblings and their children and Rick’s family. We would bring different foods to share for breakfast and had lots of fun. Following the parade we would go to my parents for a BBQ and swimming and a water fight. My boys absolutely loved this! Then we would go over to the Hardman’s for another BBQ and watch fireworks or city fireworks or family fireworks. Besides the day of activities we would go to the Balloon Festival around 5:30 - 6:00 a.m. on one of the days around the 4th of July, the fireside at the Marriott Center, sometimes the Stadium of Fire. The 4th of July has been a holiday that has been celebrated with family for years - as long as I can remember - and we were always on the go. No time for rest until we got home after the fireworks and we crashed!!! The last couple of years have looked a little different, because of Covid, but we still continued to have the family bbq’s, water fights, swimming, fireworks. We still found many different ways to celebrate the 4th of July. We have also absolutely loved the Follow the Flag in our community. I have always felt so much emotion and love for our country as I would see the flag in so many different ways and our veterans and the planes that would fly over. I’ve always loved the holiday, but I’ve also been very grateful for the freedoms that we are able to celebrate and have as a part of our day to day lives. We are truly blessed to live in this country even though it can be very difficult and there’s many things that aren’t feeling as positive at this time, or even for many years. This year looks extremely different. Much more different than I’ve ever experienced. We chose to not go to Stadium of Fire. We didn’t go to the Sunday night fireside. Everyone is doing different things so we didn’t go to the parade. Tanner wanted to go to the Balloon Festival so Rick and Tanner got up super early and went to the Balloon Festival, but they didn’t end up even getting the balloons out. Rick and Tanner ended up going to Denny’s for breakfast and brought me home some Chik-fil-A breakfast. Rick and Tanner then went over to the baseball field and worked on baseball stuff. When they got home Brayden and Sarah came over to our home and hung out and had some food. We told Zach he could choose what he would like to do and he had friends that asked if he would cover their shifts so he worked 11 hours today. Michael and Alex went over to my mom’s home for the BBQ and then came over to our home and hung out. Tanner went over to my mom’s and played ultimate frisbee and then he came home. What did I do? What did today look like for me? Well, as of yesterday, as a family we had different plans, but things changed around midnight last night. After a difficult conversation with a family member and lots of emotions Rick and I got to bed around 3:00 a.m. I fell asleep around 3:30 a.m. Alarms went off at 5:00 a.m. for Rick and Tanner to get ready for the balloon festival and Zach got ready for work. At that point I couldn’t sleep anymore. So many thoughts and feelings. My eyes were super puffy from a very emotional, hard night and lack of sleep. I had the opportunity to do a facetime call with a very dear friend early this morning. I prayed. I cried. I sent some messages and my mom and I did messenger back and forth for a little bit. I finally decided to get ready for the day and then had a phone call with a family member. It was a great call. Good visit, but lots of emotions for me. I came downstairs and wasn’t sure how the day would go, but the plans were I was staying home. Not going anywhere. As my children and their wives came to our home and visited, played games, laughed and just talked and honestly I don’t have perfect words, but it was perfection! I felt like I was the richest person in the world with Rick and my children and their wives gathered together in our home. This is honestly what life is all about! The greatest happiness and peace that can be found. A pure love. Support for one another. Caring about what is going on in each other’s lives. My family, my people, my foundation, those I’ve gone through counseling with and healing and the atonement and growth and worked together through thick and thin and we are a team. A team that rallies and has such a great love and support for one another. Today I found my peace. I found what matters most to me. Those who love me. Trust me. See my efforts and are grateful for who I am and who I’ve become. Who know the trials and the real battles I’ve faced. Who know the trauma that I experienced in my life and know what it’s taken for me to be here - to be alive. FREEDOM!!! We often think of religious freedom, education, freedom to shop and live and go places, travel, work, etc. Freedom to celebrate. The list goes on. The last few years I’ve come to better understand a very important freedom that I’m gaining and still working at, but feeling oh so much power. FREEDOM TO LOVE ME!!! TO BE ENOUGH!!! FREEDOM TO HEAL! TO RELEASE THE CHAINS OF BONDAGE that I’ve carried for over 40 years from abuse. From intense abuse from many. FREEDOM to have a straight one on one relationship with my loving Heavenly Father and Savior. That no one controls that, but me. I don’t have to be a certain way or measure up or live a certain level of perfection to have that relationship. I am LOVED right now, today, right at this minute AS I AM. I can love myself even when others dislike me. Have distrust. Feel that I have ill intentions or a mean person. I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t have to have everyone love me. In fact, people can hate me and that’s alright. I’m blessed with the ATONEMENT. I make many mistakes. I mess up. I have flaws. Those around me will find what they are looking for in me. The good, the bad or the ugly - it’s all there - each person can choose what they want to see in me. We all have those sides. I don’t have to be SORRY for being me. I have a foundation of people who LOVE ME AS I AM. I have a foundation. I don’t have to be abused anymore. I don’t have to believe all of the awful things that I’ve believed about myself for over 40 years. They aren’t true. I don’t have to be under the table and take the crumbs from people who see fit to treat me that way. I can sit up to the table and eat the same foods and be with those who love me and smile and laugh and just relax. I don’t have to pretend anymore. THIS IS ME! I am FREE!!!! Today I celebrate the 4th of July in a much different way. Sitting at home in the quiet of my home, reflecting, choosing to surround myself with love. Being me. Celebrating one of the most important FREEDOMS I could possibly dream of!
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Well, this week. . .I don’t really have words for this last week. Usually I can make a list of things that have triggered me or the problems that has caused me to be off during the week, but really this last week has felt like one of the hardest weeks I’ve had in a very long time and I believe it’s because there’s so much that’s not tangible. Of course, there’s been things like two of my boys’ cars breaking down on the same day, baseball stuff that’s enough to drive me crazy and make me angry, things being off with my oxygen that caused a really bad headache for a day, but really the majority of the stress has been emotional. I’ve had many nightmares. Intense nightmares. Not only have I had nightmares, but I’ve had flashbacks and daily emotional struggles. I’ve felt the weight of abandonment tenderness, me being dumb and stupid, not feeling important, rejection and the list goes on. The amount of tears and fear this last week has been crippling. As a dear friend of mine calls it, it’s been many tsunami’s this week. I’ve been blasted with water and couldn’t breath or keep my footing. Honestly, it’s been a very long time since I’ve felt that I just couldn’t go on and this last week the feelings of wanting to escape myself have been intense. There are not even words to describe the intensity. Last night I decided that I needed to fast - do a very sincere, fast today with Fast Sunday. I always fast, but usually fast a little differently being diabetic and lots of medications that I have to take in the morning. I usually need to eat something small. Today I decided I wouldn’t take my meds until after church and I wouldn’t have any food to tie me over. I needed the Lord’s help in intense ways - to match the intensity that I had felt all week. I also felt in my heart to fast for a handful of dear people in my life. I felt to share my testimony with them and my love for them. I took the opportunity to do that this morning and I felt so much peace. During the Sacrament I felt so much love. The testimonies were strengthening, but really the spirit spoke with me differently and I gained some clarity into myself and some past experiences. I felt prompted to take some actions today that weren’t easy, but I told the Lord that I’d act as I felt prompted to act. Following church I had the opportunity to sit and visit with a dear friend of mine for about 40 minutes. The spirit was so strong. I look up to her. I gain so much strength from her and what she’s going through and learning and she shared her gratitude for the things I shared. The spirit was so strong and I felt so grateful for the conversation she and I were able to have. It strengthened my testimony. As we returned home from church I turned on peaceful, church music and asked the Lord to guide me today. I wanted to feel His love and sort through the strong promptings and feelings I was having. The clarity that I’ve sought and gained today - I needed to sort through things and figure out how to apply those things in my life. How do I remember these miraculous feelings I’ve experienced today when things get hard, set backs, etc As I was listening to the music a song came on and a very specific experience came to mind as I listened to this song. This song is Cleanse You by Calee Reed. In December 2019 I started counseling and it was super hard. I had decided that if I was going to do counseling I was going to go in fully committed. This was it! I was going to heal and make life changes. I couldn’t carry the weight of so many things by myself anymore. So much I hadn’t shared with anyone. Brayden had come home from his mission after being out 3 months to the day. He was struggling. Rick was going to work, the boys were going to school and I was trying to sort through how to help Brayden when he wouldn’t really open up. It was a super difficult time and I honestly felt super alone. It was my life that was being turned upside down in so many different ways. Honestly, at that time I was alone in my journey, because I didn’t know how to share and there was so much healing that needed to happen in our home. I was sent a very special angel in my life in a very surprising way. Never in a million years would I have guessed how this angel would come into my life and the role they would play in my life to this day. I’ve never met this angel in person, but the love that I feel for this person is super deep and there’s no denying the Lord’s hand in the details. Anyways, in March 2020 things were changing. Lots of things were changing, including covid. This dear friend who had become a great support to me and helped me look at things differently, had such a great spirit and testimony and had helped me turn to my Heavenly Father and Savior was changing things in their life. Their schedule was changing. Where they were living was changing. I was terrified. With change in people’s lives people leave my life. I’ve always had such a firm belief in that. That I’m not important enough to others that when they make changes I drop off their important list. It’s like this top 10 list and I’m always #10 on anyone’s list and as soon as they make a change or add one other person or thing I’m automatically gone. The pain with this belief is super deep and strong. The pain gets to the point of anxiety attacks, emotional breakdowns and pain that feels like a heart attack. I get hyper focused that these things are going to happen for sure and as I’ve learned over the years I’m so afraid that at times I’ve created and made sure what I thought would happen, would happen. I don’t know how to handle this pain. So, the date comes of making these big changes. This friend does everything they can to help me know that I won’t be forgotten. That they would still be there, just living in a different place and doing different things. It’s going to be around 24 hours before I hear back from this friend as they are moving. As we said goodbye I knelt in prayer and pleaded with the Lord to help me find peace. I turned on music and this song came on - Cleanse Me. Here’s the lyrics to this song: [Verse 1] The waves come high My ship is sinking And I'm thinking of letting go The waters deep And I am gasping Struggling to hear you, Lord Captain of my soul [Chorus] Why did you lead me here to this uncharted sea? Did you bring me here just to drown me? "What if I didn't bring you here to drown you but to cleanse you?", He whispers. And "What if you chose to breathe me in? Let this wash you clean a-gain," He whispers. He whispers, "I know the waters deep but if you only knew it isn't meant to drown you," He whispers. "But to cleanse you.” [Verse 2] The sun sets low My faith is failing And I'm sailing deep into the night The fog rolls in and I am searching Trying in vain again to find Your guiding light (Repeat Chorus) Yes, I felt like letting go. I was gasping literally with pain. I didn’t know how I could hear the Lord when I was so sure how things were going to turn out. As I listened to this song that day I felt an immense amount of peace. He didn’t lead me to have this angel in my life just for me to drown. He led me to this dear friend and this opportunity for growth to cleanse me, to heal me. My Heavenly Father wanted me to understand my worth and that I have value and that there are angels brought into my life for a long time, possibly for eternity and that I could heal. I could trust. I could be safe. I felt so much peace that day and knew that the Lord was in the details and things would work out. I wish I could say that from that day on things went smoothly and I had all the confidence in the world, but I didn’t and things didn’t go smoothly. In fact, many ups and downs, but sooooo much growth and that dear angel friend is still in my life. It took me a long time to grasp that this friend wasn’t going anywhere and to look at this friendship in a healthy, safe light, but I can say that this friendship is eternal. Today as I pondered this last week and the depths of despair I felt I can say that I honestly thought I would drown. I honestly wondered if I could possibly keep my head above water. The pain has been intense. The destruction that I’ve felt I needed to create to be in my own world and put walls up has been very real. But, today, as I turned all I have and am over to the Lord and listened to this song I was reminded so clearly that the Lord is aware of me and all details in my life. I’m blessed with amazing angels in my life that stay through the tsunamis. They don’t give up on me. They are there holding a towel out for me to dry off and often holding me down to the ground so I don’t blow away with destruction. So often the Lord cleanses us to show us a greater way. Greater opportunities. Greater growth. Greater love. Greater healing. We don’t have to drown even when at times in our lives we feel we are gasping for air. This song is super fitting for me, because I’m terrified of water. The thought of being in water, gasping, feeling like I’m going to drown is super real for me. I’ve also found great peace with water and it’s one of my favorite sounds. The Lord can help us. We can be cleansed for so much greater in our lives. Music is something that has always spoken so clearly to me. I find that music helps me gain so much clarity. Whether it’s music without words and brings peace to my spirit, the chorus of a song that lifts my spirits and makes me want to dance, a song that always makes me smile regardless of how I’m feeling, blast the rock n’ roll music that helps me work through anger and frustrations or even music that gives me answers to prayers. The list goes on for what music brings to my life. I’ve had a block for quite awhile for writing - writing blogs or working on the book that I’ve felt to write. No matter what I start to write it just hasn’t been syncing with me lately. I’ve made a long list of songs that have touched my life for different reasons. I’ve thought someday I’ll take time to share different songs and my feelings or why that specific song touched me, but felt that would be a while out before I did that. I’m a super methodical, outlined, planned person. I like to have everything precise and organized before I start doing things. I like to finish one thing before I start the next. I’m the type that dishes up my food and eats one thing at a time. I don’t move onto the next thing on my plate until I’ve finished whatever I started on. I put in my calendar so much time for certain things and I stick to that - it’s all planned out. I’m an agenda, outline, bullet point by bullet point of how things are going to be accomplished. I love to list out the details and check them off. So, in my mind I’ve thought alright, I’ll get a handful of blogs written and then I could work on writing the book I’ve been excited to write. The problem is a book takes a long time to write so then I get stuck, because I have other ideas and things I’d love to do, but I need to finish the whole book first. Well, over the last couple of weeks I’ve felt that it’s time to mess with these patterns. It’s time to push my comfort zone. There’s not a need for this formality. I know the Lord is helping me recognize that my creativity doesn’t have to be locked up in a box or in an outline. It’s time to free my spirit. I know I’ve got creativity locked inside that I’ve felt I can’t access and it’s time to utilize it. So, my blog is going to become more than just blogs. Well, it’s going to be blogs, but also blogs about music. Sharing some of my favorite music and how it’s touched my heart. How it’s helped me heal and receive clarity. Along the way there might be some fun things too. We will see where this creativity takes me. . . There’s been several things that have happened over the last few weeks that have made it super clear that I needed to start writing the book that I’ve felt I need to do for a very long time. I got excited about it, but then. . .there was this block. I just felt that there was no way I could share anything of value. I started doubting myself. Of course, that’s not hard to do, I’ve doubted myself my whole life. Yesterday I tried to write, but it just didn’t come. One of the things that is a point of massive frustration in our home is cleaning. I’ve worked at doing better in our home with many things and things have gotten so much better, but cleaning, ya, it’s a super hot point for me. It’s something deep in me and honestly I’m not sure why I can’t bring myself down on the cliff with this one. Someday I’ll share more about this, but yesterday I asked Rick to work with the boys and get things cleaned up - it worked overall, but just that feeling of frustration was still deep inside of me. I’m one that is terrified to try new hobbies or develop new talents. I’m so scared of failing. There are things I’m good at and I feel confident to do, but developing or trying new things is something that I’ve been really good at holding myself back on. I’m super good at reminding myself that I’m not capable of doing many things. Those words are deeply planted in me. I’ve decided I want to do a garden this year. My dad always had a garden and he brought us up gardening and for some reason this year I’m wanting to do a garden so bad - maybe a connection with my dad? A good friend of mine who is super good at gardening had said he would come over and help us figure out how to get started. He came over last night. It was a great visit, got a plan in place and I was feeling excited. . .until he went to leave and I thought to myself I’m going to fail. I’ve always killed plants. This is a lot and I don’t know if my family will support me on this. If it’s just me then I don’t feel capable. And honestly in our home if it’s not tied to baseball then it doesn’t really get the attention. I started thinking this is just not possible. As a family things have been slower for quite awhile and it’s been super nice, but with Ultimate Frisbee, baseball, end of school year, work, work, household stuff and the list goes on life has gotten super busy. It has felt very overwhelming in a way. Love it all, but when life gets busy communication goes downhill and I don’t do well with poor communication. Last night there were some things that Rick and I miscommunicated about and with all of my other thoughts going on things didn’t really go well with us trying to talk through things. Really, there wasn’t much of an effort - he was busy and I was busy and we were both tired. This was a trigger for me of do I know how to really have close, healthy relationships. I’ve often thought I’d be so much better off living on my own and keeping to myself. The programming I’ve had in my life from abuse and belief’s about myself are super deep and I just feel a burden, too much and I just don’t know how to stay in healthy, safe, happy, trusting places. With all of these thoughts swirling in my mind, plus many others, by the time I got in bed I was super depressed. I felt that I was a failure in life. I can’t make anything of myself. I don’t know how to have healthy relationships. The swirling of thoughts was super powerful. In the dark of my room, Rick sleeping and me laying there thinking about all of my failures and how I just don’t know how to get better I thought to myself is this a time to give up. I’m not finding ways to make more of myself. I’m turning 50 in just a few months and I’ve not accomplished any of the goals I set for myself. I’m fighting with all my might and so many amazing things have happened through counseling and healing, but the patterns of my life and the beliefs I’ve had are super hard to overcome. SUPER HARD!!!! Gratefully I had taken my medications and I fell asleep and didn’t continue to feed the thoughts of giving up. I really hoped that I could wake up this morning and feel better, but. . .I’m super good at being destructive to myself and last night I chose to not put on my oxygen. I didn’t want oxygen. I’m tired of it!!! I’ve had it for 3 months now and I didn’t want it last night. So, I woke up groggy and with a nice headache. Without my oxygen my brain doesn’t do well. I laid there in bed and thought I just can’t! I don’t want to press through today! I was sure I could mind read everyone and knew exactly how many people that I care about feel about me and that helped my mood a lot. I found myself wanting to mute my phone for the day and just disconnect. I don’t want any additional reminders of my failures or things that I need to or should be doing. I don’t want to work at relationships today. Honestly, I could stay in a hole today and be very content. Then I thought alright the power of the mind. I don’t want more negative today. I need to pray. I need to count my blessings. I need to remind myself of the tools that I’ve been taught over the last couple of years. I need to stop mind reading. I need to get up and get ready for the day. I need to look at the good. I need to look at how far I’ve come. I need to have the conversations so that I feel better and just clear the air. The list went on of the things I NEED to do to have a better day, but I didn’t WANT to do any of those things. Well, that’s a winner!!! Way to go Cheri! Not willing to apply all of these things to turn your day around and find happiness, peace, hope, opportunities and overall the possibility of making it a good day. That sounds like a great plan??? That just helps feed the failure and destruction. The thing is, there’s just days I CAN’T!!! There are days that I can’t fight the fight!!! There are days I’m just super tired! There are days I just want to hide in a hole and allow myself to feel the feelings. In reality the feelings come down to sadness, scared, am I enough, I don’t want to be a burden to anyone - the abuse feelings - the feelings that I should be under the table and if I’m lucky fed some crumbs. That’s all I’m worth at times. It’s super hard to reprogram these belief’s after so many years. . .like 40 years. Of course, I was told positive things over those years, but the negative words and actions and how I was treated far outweigh and stick with me every single day!!! Abuse is AWFUL!!!! Over the last few weeks I’ve finally felt some anger about what I went through. Until then I felt sorry for those that harmed me. I could see their life story and felt bad for them. They didn’t know better at the time. I could justify why they did what they did to me. BUT, not anymore. I’m fighting a battle that is super painful, has taken a toll on my life every single day, has caused me to almost take my life several times, to give up, to destroy friendships that have sincerely mattered to me, to turn away love and peace, have had to work at rebuilding relationships with my boys. . .the list goes on. I’m grateful that the buck stops with me and that there has been so much healing and love rebuilt, but somedays I JUST CAN’T! So, it’s 11:30 a.m. and I muted everything! I turned off Facebook, turned off messenger, muted my phone and have complete silence in my home. I’m ready for the day - that’s a rule, I can’t leave my room until I’m ready for the day - something engrained deep inside of me from my abuse - I’m ugly until I have my makeup and hair done and then maybe there’s some beauty in me somewhere. Instead of working first thing this morning I decided I would write this blog. I decided that I would be open and honest and hopefully help someone else with their journey. If I can bless and help others through this ugly journey of healing from abuse then I will feel like I’ve done something good. I’m a smiler and I laugh a lot. I appear to have so much together in my life. For most people I look like the world is in my hands and I can do everything and anything. Over the years I’ve had so many people say they wished they could be like me. They want to learn from me on how I do it all and have it all together. Well, I’m good at pretending. I’m good at putting on a face. I’m good at hiding all of my emotions and feelings and the black that fills the inside of me often. I don’t have it all together, in fact, very often I don’t feel like I have anything together and I just take life one step at at time. One minute at a time. I pray a lot. I have to face anxiety to leave my home and be with people. I’m terrified to put myself out there. BUT, I’m working on myself little by little and I’m working at counting my wins. There are wins every single day. . .sometimes I don’t even recognize them all, but they are there. Even that I’m still here and got up and got ready for the day - those are wins!!! I took my medications this morning. . .beats not doing my oxygen last night - that’s a win! I’m choosing to eat and work at getting rid of the headache - that’s a win! I chose to write this blog and share - that’s a win! I’m not sure how today will go, but what I do know is I’d rather press forward and keep fighting this battle, allowing myself to have bad moments, be tired, accept that some days I just can’t for the WINS!!! There are a lot of them and I love my WINS!!! Two days ago, April 22nd, marked 8 months since my dad passed away. I hadn’t thought about it until one of my siblings sent a message on our family thread and as I read it I cried. . .the feelings were right there, close to the surface, just like when I lost him. It didn’t take but a second for tears to come and then the reflection of how things have been over the last 8 months and how much I miss him. Then yesterday, April 23rd, was the groundbreaking for the Lindon Temple. The church shared a link so we could watch and listen to the talks and see the groundbreaking. As we were getting it pulled up I started crying and honestly the tears didn’t stop for probably 2 hours. As I listened to the talks and prayers I thought about my dad. When the Lindon Temple was announced he was so excited. He had the opportunity to be involved with the Mt. Timpanogos Temple construction and the cornerstone and because of his involvement we as a family were super blessed with opportunities. My dad has a great love of temples - a love that was unique. He inspired us to have a great love for the temple. Yesterday I shared this on my Facebook wall as tears streamed down my cheeks: I'm sitting here watching the Lindon Temple Groundbreaking - listening to the talks. The spirit is so strong and my tears are flowing. As I've been listening I'm finding myself thinking about my dad and his sincere, childlike excitement for the Lindon Temple. My dad always had such a great love for the temple - amazing, deep love. My dad and mom served at the Bishop Storehouse for years. My dad ALWAYS had a list of things he wanted to do at the storehouse - he always accomplished what was on his list even when it seemed impossible. His faith and love was strong. At my dad's funeral I visited with the manager of the Lindon Storehouse and I jokingly asked what projects my dad was in the middle of or what things he had on his list, that he didn't get done and the manager shared with me, "Your dad's list was complete. He didn't have anything left on his list. A few weeks ago he was really focused on getting a framed picture of the rendition of the Lindon Temple hung at the storehouse. It was really important to your dad and he accomplished that - its the last project he did before getting sick." This was the last thing on his list and he completed it before passing. I can't help but think that my dad is here in spirit celebrating this groundbreaking. I wish he was here in person, but take comfort through the temples that Families are Forever. That’s the end of my facebook post, but following that post I felt so many different emotions. Quite honestly whenever I think about him being gone I think no he’s not, he’s coming back. This isn’t real. It can’t be real. Why did he have to go? He was so careful and didn’t fear Covid. Things shouldn’t have gone this way. I find myself feeling anger - anger that I can’t really describe. It just doesn’t make sense. And then I think how strong is my testimony of eternal families and life after death and the resurrection and that I will see him again. I’ve always thought I had a strong testimony of these things, but dang, losing my dad has challenged me. I honestly don’t think there’s anything more that I want than to be with him again, to see him, to have those conversations that we didn’t get, to embrace, to hear his voice and laughter again. Why do we have to experience death? Why do we have to lose loved ones? And then I think, it’s been 8 months, I should feel better about this. I should be able to accept that he’s gone by now. The tears shouldn’t be so close to the surface at this point. I’m being too sensitive and should just move on and things shouldn’t trigger me so easily and quickly. I look at others that have lost loved ones and they’ve got it together, seem to be managing so much better. They seem to be happy and understand a bigger picture and have found their peace with the loss. Why can’t I find peace with this? Why can’t I feel that this is the Lord’s plan? Why can’t I think to myself and know that my dad is happier and healthier? He never feared death. I have always feared death. Why can’t I feel my dad’s peace? I’ve had the spiritual experiences. I’ve felt peace. I’ve felt my dad. In priesthood blessings I’ve heard very tender words and truth spoken about my dad and I know the things that have been spoken in blessings are truth - I’ve felt them in my heart. I’ve had prayers answered. My testimony has been strengthened. I’ve felt the understanding of what my dad went through and what took his life. I know that the veil is thin and he’s with us and watching over us. I know he’s aware of each of us and we’ve not been forgotten by him. I know in time we will be with him again. . .but it’s just not fair! I know dad, life’s not fair. You’ve always told me that. I get it and in most things I can accept that life’s not fair, but this isn’t one that I was ready for. Well, you know, we’re not ready for most of what life throws at us. Dangit! Life! I wish I could learn quicker. This pain in my heart is so real and I miss you dad. So, I go through all of this and then the tears stop and I get moving through life again. Living my life. Thinking how would dad have done things? What did dad teach me? I have to keep going. Doing good. Serving. Loving. Drawing closer to my Heavenly Father and Savior. Seeking to live a righteous life so that I can be with my dad again. Then yesterday afternoon as I was pondering the groundbreaking of the Lindon Temple and my dad and knowing that he was there yesterday in spirit and I’m sure super excited to be a part of the work I thought my dad can do all he wants now. He doesn’t have his health ailments. He doesn’t have to hope that he’s in a position or given an opportunity to help with the temple. He doesn’t have any earthly restrictions. He’s ready! He has all of his construction knowledge and he can use all of that knowledge to help. We know that the veil is thin and the spirits on the other side help with the temples. They are just as important as those of us here on earth in the Lord’s work. As I felt these feelings yesterday I thought alright I know, I know this is a part of the plan. I picture my dad being sooooo happy and rejoicing and feeling so good and ready to go. Nothing holding him back. What a blessing. He lived his life loving the Lord. He wanted to serve even more, but his health was definitely a challenge. Writing this blog I’ve cried through it. These are my feelings. My heart aches. I’ve never experienced so much of a broken heart. I miss him more than any word could explain. I long for him and his embrace and to hear the words “I love you sweetheart.” Even as I typed those words I could hear him saying these words to me - I know he’s whispering these words to me. Death is a very interesting thing. Losing a loved one brings so many different feelings and I’m learning that there is no right or wrong way to heal, to mourn, to process the feelings of losing a loved one. Grief is a powerful thing and it’s real. You never know when you’re going to laugh, cry, long for, ache, find peace, happiness, feel the spirit, be angry, think life is just unfair, want more answers, long for that conversation, to hear their voice again, feel their touch and the list goes on. So, in answer to my blog title - When Does It Get Easier? Well, that is for each of us individually to answer and there is no right or wrong answer. What I do know is that the Lord is aware of us and relates to all of our different feelings and is there for us. We are never alone in this journey. We can be blessed with loved ones, friendships and the gospel to help us get through one minute by minute, step by step to get through life and make the most of it. Healing is a journey with no time frame. |
Cheri HardmanA wife and mother of 4 boys and 2 daughter-in-law, I have spent my entire adult life devoted to my family. I have been busy in their schools, supporting them in all of their school work, sporting events, activities, etc. I spent years heavily involved in the PTA, church callings, etc Life for me has always been overwhelmingly busy. While I thought this was my sanity, the truth is it masked issues - real issues - that I needed to work on to gain true sanity. I am sharing my story in this blog. I do this so that I might be able to help other women find their true sanity Archives
April 2022
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